Technology Tyranny

I hope Siri makes you bite the curb.

2011-11-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

Some kid on the train this morning was asking Siri violent questions to provoke a funny response. How about talking to a real person you psycho? Siri couldn't make someone bite the curb because she doesn't have a body, or a temper!

I hope your significant other goes through your cellphone and finds out you've been a cheating bastard.

2011-11-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

Warning: do not proceed. Nothing beyond this point will cause happiness or security.

Did you know that your cellphone carrier keeps record of every picture message and text message you send and receive? Did you also know that the primary account holder can request records of these messages to be sent along with their bill? Did you know how much you can find out about a person through their text messages? No, I didn't either, until last week.

It is a scary fact if you think about it. You send a rude text to someone and it can be dug up like a grave. You ask for dirty pictures from some girl you barely know and it can be uncovered like an ongoing football sex scandal.

I bet a lot of people don't think about that though. Especially kids in a younger generation than I am. They just put whatever the hell they want to out on the web and expect there to not be consequences. No, no, they don't even think that there ever could be consequences. Seriously, good luck to the electorial canidates in approximately 40 years; God only knows what dirt will be uncovered from them. It'll make that Weiner photo scandal look like child's play.

And Facebook specifically scares the shit out of me. One day you could just be creeping on people you went to High school with, looking at pictures of their bastard children and baby daddys and you could get a message. This message could be a complete stranger you've never heard of, who has used the creepiness of Facebook to their advantage to seek you out and drop a few pieces of information on you about your significant other you would have never known. People can come out of the fucking woodwork, and tell you what was really happening while the photos you are tagged in were being taken. It truly is fucking mind blowing. One minute you're happy as a clam, and the next you're Ms. Captain Dicknose.

Now, don't you fret, I have a quick piece of advice to keep your personal life from going to shit.
Step 1: don't be a fucking idiot.
Step 2: use your fucking head.

If you aren't a fucking idiot and already use your head, then just duck and hide for cover, because someday, somehow, social media will squash you like a bug on the highway.

I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will get over my bitterness. I will get really drunk this weekend.

I hope some sticky child gets fingerprints all over your precious iPad

2011-11-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

So a mass e-mail today was sent around the office in regards to using the precious production room. Before I tell you about the e-mail, let me give you a bit of background information of this production room.

The prod room is a huge corner office on the 9th floor of my company that is locked at all times, and can only be accessed by those on the marketing team (about five people + myself) unless formally invited. The only time members outside of the marketing team are invited in are on Tuesdays, during the weekly prod meeting. The room was just re-done a month before I started; my office has a contract with Apple, so it is filled with all the most ridiculous gadgets you can think of. The island has four iPad stations, and there are three macs on the north and south wall. The wall on the side of the rest of the office is glass, so it is a little bit taunting to see all those shiny gadgets in there and be told you can't enter like a child.

Apparently, the production room was used by someone other than the marketing team last Tuesday after the production meeting (gasp!) and left behind evidence. The head of the marketing team, my boss, almost kicked a baby, and had his assistant send out an e-mail on his behalf.

The e-mail read:
"Hi All,

I am e-mailing in regards to the misuse of the production room that happened on Tuesday. Some time Tuesday afternoon, the production room was used without permission, and the culprits left sticky fingerprints all over three of the iPads. As you may or may not know, the production room is for the sole use of the marketing team, and no one is allowed to use the production room without the permission and supervision of a member of the marketing team. To keep this from happening again, there will be a new rule implemented immediately. As of now, before attending a meeting in the production room, all members of the GS office must wash their hands directly before entering.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact either Greg or I.
Best,
Erin"

Wait, what? Culprits? That is a little harsh don't you think? My god, condemn them to hell why don't you. How about mentioning the fact that the room is locked, and that if the person who let them in doesn't fess up, you're going to kick them in the teeth? I really just want to melt a chocolate bar all over that Mac.

yikes

2011-11-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

Apparently the blog updates I was sending from my phone don't work. There goes all my witty sarcasm down the drain...

I forgot my phone at home today, and I've realized I should just end my life now. I feel like a piece of my soul is missing without that stupid pink thing next to me on my desk. Is someone texting me? Oh wait, I don't know, because it is sitting on my bed right now on my comfy Snuggie. (Yes I have a Snuggie; don't judge me.)

2011-11-08T08:32:00.003-08:00

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2011-11-08T08:32:00.001-08:00

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I hope your new iPhone doesn't work

2011-11-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

So I read 3 different "news" articles today that said the new iPhone 4S battery isn't lasting long enough. How fucking long do you expect it to last buddy? The thing does everything under the fucking sun, jesus christ, and you want it to stay on all fucking day? How about you ask Siri a few less questions.

Hello November!

2011-11-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well it is the start of a new month, and not just any month, but the month before CHRISTMAS! You know what that means: gift advertisements EVERYWHERE.

I think my favorite gift ad are the cellphone commercials. Not once, has anyone ever bought me a phone as a casual christmas gift. Am I not normal, or does anyone else find this weird? It isn't like they can just walk into a store and buy me a phone. They would need to know all of my phone plan information, if I need an upgrade, etc. That just is not very practical for me?

What the commercial says is "Buy your loved one this new phone with all these new features and they will be so happy you cared about them. They need a GPS, a camera, and an e-reader right on their phone!"

What I hear is "get your loved one this phone is a great way of saying 'I know nothing about you, and I want you to spend all your free time with your nose in this screen rather than bothering the shit out of me.'"

So, who is ready for some shopping!?!?!

I hope a bird poops on your head

2011-10-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

On the train this morning, I saw a man wearing a black hat with the Penguin Publishing logo on it. This made me extremely happy and I do not know why. Literally wanted to ask this stranger man out on a date (psh Matty doesn't own a Penguin Publishing hat); it is the little things in life I suppose. Then I realized he was reading off of a Kindle. This made me extremely unhappy and I do not know why. I felt betrayed by my future stranger boyfriend.

Question: do publishers such as Penguin lose money due to e-Readers? I must find out.

I hope your auto-correct sends something dirty to your boss. And you get fired. And cry.

2011-10-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

I go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I do not work on those days. Yet, I want to be a permanent hire once I graduate, so I am selling my soul and unborn children until May.

My boss said it was "more convenient for the editors and writers to hold the scheduling calls on Tuesdays." In other words, "you better carry your laptop with you like it is your pacemaker or else I will gut you like a fish and hang you from the ceiling fan to publicly shame you."

I have a small little thinkpad which my company gave me, but it is still such a pain to lug this thing around campus with me when I do not need it for school work. Literally, I do everything on legal pads. So I ducked out of my second class with my laptop so I could take the 15 minute phone call to figure out a publication schedule, and it turns out I really didn't need the lap top. I have to e-mail the final schedule to the production and marketing team by the end of the day, but I am home from school before 6pm, so voila, problem solved! I was really psyched that I could have a "told-you-so" moment.

But two minutes later, I could feel my blood boiling the more I thought about it. What the hell is so wrong with legal pads anyways? A legal pad never crashed, or lost your data, or sent the wrong person a dirty e-mail. We really don't give paper the credit it deserves. On top of that, I got a mass e-mail today from the facilities director from my work saying that the internet connection wasn't "vibrant" (dumbass) so the office was closing early since no one could get anything done. SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT BECAUSE THE INTERNET CONNECTION WASN'T PERFECT, YOU COULDN'T DO YOUR JOB?!?! Good, you dumbasses, I hope it doesn't work tomorrow either and we officially get behind schedule. If I were the facilities coordinator, I would probably take a step back and say "wow, technology reliance is disrupting the way my team works, something should change." Instead, everyone got to go home (on a day I was already off).

2011-10-13T09:52:00.001-07:00

Just took my laptop to IT to be fixed since it wasn't working. Turns out it was just dead. Yikes.

I hope you get testicular cancer from carrying your cellphone in your pocket.

2011-10-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

My seven year old sister was given a cell phone. Now while she neither has testicles nor do I wish cancer upon her, I do wish a slow painful death to the man at Verizon (and my parents). What the hell is wrong with you people? Who on Earth could she need to call that would hold precedence for her to NEED a mobile phone? Seriously, someone help me figure it out because I am running out of ideas.

It doesn't help that she is the youngest and gets everything handed to her already, but this? My parents didn't even hesitate, their response was "why of course, why not!" But this isn't a blog on my seriously flawed family, it is a blog on technology. And this post my friends is focused on the scum that sells cellphones.

My mother and I went into Verizon together because, quite frankly, my mother could be talked into buying a dead goat and think she got a deal. I know enough about phones and plans and data etc from all of the bullshit I went through with Verizon when I signed with them. I wouldn't allow Paige to go because one stupid missing tooth smile from her and she would be walking out of there with an iPad. We were going in there with a plan of attack, and since I pay for every one's cellphone, I wasn't about to get swindled.

We walk through the door and customers are packed in like sardines. (Ew I hate sardines.) After an hour the crowd died down and a handsome man approached us. My first reaction: all my authority just went down the drain; my mom flirts without even realizing and I swear wants to be a cougar. (What is worse: a tiger mom or a cougar?) My second reaction: shit fuck no leave!

I start by saying we are looking for a cell phone that a young girl could use. He replies by glancing at my mom and asking if my sister has any preferences. (Such a knee slapper that one!) I reply by saying that my MOTHER is shopping for a phone for her other daughter who is seven. Open mouth and insert foot Rachel, because it created the largest shit stew of sales I have ever seen.

He contradicted everything I suggested, and not only won over my mother, but two other women in the store as well. What the heck?

Rachel: (nice) comment on how little girls do not need cellphones.
Clown: starts a rant on how little kids aren't being raised in the same environment we were (dude you're old, don't put me in that category, I am 5 years old compared to you) and that there is danger around every corner and while parents must let go of the reins some day they need a way to contact and keep tabs on their children.
Mom: You are so smart!

Rachel: nothing fancy, just a regular flip phone.
Clown: well flip phones do not have many features and this phone over here has GPS so you can track exactly where she is (why wouldn't we know where she is, she is 7) and she can use this camera to take pictures of cool things that she likes which will spark her interest in certain areas pertaining to school. she can google things, look up spelling words, go on websites.
Mom: We should date!

Rachel: She is going on my phone plan, so she is getting the basic features, nothing fancy.
Clown: You should increase your minutes just in case. This is a great way to teach her responsibility, but you don't want to be flapped with crazy overage charges in case it takes her a little while to grasp the concept. She will already have unlimited texting since you do, but you should get her a data plan so she can really utilize the features of her phone.
Rachel: No
Mom: Would you like to see the backseat of my car? Hubba hubba.

Needless to say, I don't fight with my mom, and once she gets her head set on something, that's the way its going to go.

We walked out of there with a brand new iPhone, crazy case protector, crazy parental locks on the Internet (who knew?) and with stamps on our foreheads that said "SUCKER."

Just one more thing to add to my list of "reasons not to have children."

Untitled

2011-10-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Finally opened my work e-mail today and I got an inter-office memo stating that there would be a Steve Jobs vigil in conference room A at 5 p.m. this evening. Wait, seriously? I know my company was hired by Apple but it is not like we knew him personally. None of us received any Christmas cards from the Jobs family last year did we?
I understand mourning, but, perhaps this is taking it a bit far? Or perhaps I am a cold hearted bitch.

I truly feel sorry for his family and friends, and as a nation so dependent on technology, we will surely be missing out on a number of gadgets now. Who knows, maybe in ten years the aliens will give us back Steve Jobs AND Elvis!

2011-10-05T20:08:00.001-07:00

All of my rude comments aside, he was a truly brilliant American. Rest in a sweet peace Steve Jobs.

I hope an embarassing ringtone goes off at your funeral.

2011-10-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

My two older brothers and I met with a funeral director an hour ago on behalf of our parents, since they are still caught in the haze of a bad nightmare and real life.

The funeral director's cellphone rang, and if the office wasn't so quiet I would have missed it. My head shot up, but before I could say a word, my brother cut in with, "if you don't shut that fucking thing off she'll be burying you instead."

F. Director - 0
Rachel - 1

I don't know if I am happier I didn't have to unleash a rude string of swears onto him, or that my brother knew what was going through my head before I even did.

I hope your PC crashes and you lose all of your precious data.

2011-10-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

I know I know, it is an awful thing to wish on someone, but a girl can dream right?

I am out of work/school for a few days due to personal reasons yet was told to/still able to attend production meetings at my work due to my webcam (yippee). I swear the only reason why they give out company laptops is so they can control you. I looked like a balding crack whore who had not seen daylight in months, and didn't exactly feel like having my face and all my moving boxes, which are piled behind my desk at home, broadcasted to the entire 9th floor.

To solve this problem I put a mini BandAid over the camera and pretended I had technical difficulties. Someone else give me a better plan for the meeting tomorrow.

I hope you permanently lose your voice while talking on your cell phone.

2011-09-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

To the girl sitting across from me on the train, who spent the entire 30 minute ride talking on the phone: I hope he did cheat on you, because you are annoying. Get off your phone; its not going to solve your relationship, and I don't want to listen to it.

I hope you break your fingers while using your touch screen.

2011-09-29T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have three brothers and two sisters, and it is a very rare occasion that we all sit down together for dinner. All day I looked forward to it; I planned what I would cook (their favorite homemade chicken pot pie), I cleaned the house (it needed it), and I bought dessert (Konditor Meister!).

Here is a taste of how dinner conversation was like:

"So Billy, how was work today?"
Beep.
Buzz.
"It was good."
Ding.
"How was school, Paige?"
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"It was good."
"What happened today at school?"
Buzz.
Ding.
"Oh nothing."
Buzz.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Really Paige, you did NOTHING at school? You are seven years old and could talk for hours about a 15 minute walk on the beach. Really Billy, not one thing worth commenting on happened at work? Drama follows you every where you go, you were just too busy to share. I have some less nicer words for the other three but I'll keep this blog PG (mostly).

Don't get me wrong, I know where my iPhone is at all times. However, I do not place it at the dinner table next to my napkin; I keep it in my bag or bedroom. While one could argue my siblings are just rude (they definitely are), many other families are experiencing the same type of conversation - or silence - at the dinner table due to electronic devices. I am constantly seeing at work and school people with their noses in their electronic devices rather than paying attention during a meeting or class. I also constantly notice that there are people I speak to more via text than face-to-face. What happened to physical interaction? Personally I would rather have a personal conversation with someone than meaninglessly text six people at once.

One mother, Susan Maushart, wrote a book about the six months she banned everyone from using any electronic devices inside her home. Her book, The Winter of Our Disconnect, reflects on her experience within her household before, during, and after she banned electronic devices from herself, her children and her husband. See more about this book at: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41137153/ns/health-childrens_health/t/mom-challenges-family-unplug-months/

I read this book last week, and it added an entire new rage to my dinner table dilemma. However, rather than intervening with what was and was not happening at the dinner table last night, I let everyone do as they wish with my lips sealed. And while some may say it was cowardly, I truly just wanted to see how my brothers and sisters would keep responding to my questions without interrupting their time on their phone, iPod touch, Kindle, etc. Unfortunately, it didn't change much from the taste I put gave above.

So, you may ask, what do I plan on doing? Well I posted this sign in the kitchen threatening the next person who has an electronic device present during dinner.
Then I put another family dinner on the white board for next Wednesday. If no one respects my wishes then, I will be following in Susan Maushart's foot steps.

To Be Continued....
----------
To anyone who finds technology effects on kids interesting, I found this very interesting as well: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43344479

I hope you go blind from staring at your Kindle.

2011-09-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

Do me a favor. If you own a Kindle, jump off of a cliff. No, better yet, throw yourself on the tracks at Park St on the Red Line so you experience pain and heat exhaustion (someone explain to me why that stop is 10000 degrees no matter the weather).

N.B. I am not only a hater of Kindles. I also hate Sony E-books, Nooks, Kobos, and any other type of e-reader. But Kindles are the most popular, so I am attacking them. Sorry Amazon, I still love you.

I understand convenience, and that you can have hundreds of books at your finger tips! Newsflash: There is no reason for you to have that many books on you at once (students, shut your mouths, I'll get to you later). ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. I suppose the whole get the newspaper on it is convenient, but I hope you feel better when that newspaper nearly closes and puts thousands out of a job...

What is so difficult about carrying around a book? You can keep notes, and write down information you look up on your reading. The person awkwardly standing in front of you on the train can read the title of your novel and look for it the next time he is at the library. Best thing about books: they cannot stop working. Literally, unless you rip every page out of the book one by one, nothing can keep you from reading it. Kindles can crash, lose your books, not turn on, get misplaced (then you lose them all).

So, why the sudden rant you ask? Two reasons:

1) I wanted to go to Borders yesterday after work, which is located down the hill from my office, and IT IS CLOSED. I knew it was going out of business, but I forgot. Even worse: the building it was in is beautiful! What on earth could they put there now?

Now that I am working longer days, I am getting longer breaks, which I wanted to spend there! Guess I'll just have to go shoot up with the drug addicts in the Common.

2) This morning, an elderly woman got onto the train at North Quincy. The three people in the seats closest to the door (which are meant for the elderly and handicapped) had their noses in their Kindle and didn't notice how rude they were being. (N.B. If you don't offer your seat to elderly on the train, you should be shot.) Consequently, I offered my seat, but I had to help the poor woman battle her way through the crowd for the seat. Also, I turn my back for two seconds and some slimy teenager took the seat. I have never given a dirtier look in my life.

I'm fed up with people ignoring simple etiquette because they are too busy staring at their electronic screens. If you fall into that category, I would watch your back, because you'll end up on the tracks at Park St.